As a maker, the creative force has always been abundant and thriving at my fingertips. Visions become reality. Dreams are more of a pathway to walk down than something unattainable, something to reach for within the next life. Instead, I reached for the next project, the next idea to sink my heart and soul into and create into existence. I continually expanded my craft with new skills, new techniques to set my work to the next level. Expansion is something that is more of a mindset than adjective in the life of an intuitive creator, making myself a better artist, a better human through each project.
Yet, each year that passed that I did not conceive my ultimate project,the human union between two, pushed me to reach higher goals, to work harder- to consume my life with everything else that I have ever wanted besides motherhood. ( I guess I should mention that my husband and I were not actively trying to conceive at this point- it was more of something that we just wanted to happen by fate.)
I knew this year was going to be a good year. I turned 35, reached a place in my relationship with my partner that was solid, infallible with all the ups and downs of any healthy partnership between two independent, headstrong individuals. Money was flowing, we were expanding and growing together- creating our own family without our small unit. We knew we would marry when we were ready, as that is not a high priority on our wish list, as the unity and commitment is present regardless of ring or ceremony. Being of spiritual mindset- we did not need to be united by god to feel at peace with our partnership or need any approval from anyone but ourselves to continue to love and simply just be.
We talked about being parents and what that meant from very early on in our relationship. He was looking forward to being a father, taking his son or daughter to the park, to street festivals and sharing the experience of life with fresh eyes, with no inhibitions or discrimination. A child is a fresh start to life. A new beginning. He could put the past behind him and evolve into himself as a father-strong, loving, and solid foundation for this tiny human to lean on, hold hands with and learn from. Both him and I wanted that union of our souls into one, the trials and errors of being a mother and father- husband and wife. We wanted the “ultimate project”.
So then we started to try with the freedom to fail and the ability to try again. I started to envision myself as a working mother, talking about my life as a mother with my parents- literally proclaiming to the universe- I will become a mother this year. I consciously postponed applying to future shows knowing that I might be pregnant by then and instead, became very present and intentful with the projects I was working on. My wholesale accounts became more abundant- I was able to transfer from one of a kind jewelry production, to small batch, to the ritual products that are in never-ending supply as long as I can assemble and keep up with the demand.
I filled my life and my creative work with things that I loved. I went back to school to learn lapidary work- cutting stones- taking a raw, imperfect specimen from the earth and making it into something beautiful. I purposely started to work with Moonstone- the ultimate fertility stone. The specimens were nothing fancy, raw peachy white rocks that literally looked like they fell off the mountainside, yet once the rock was sliced open, a whole new world of inclusions, variation of color and tone was hidden inside.
The process of lapidary work consists of a lot of sanding and polishing. Being that Moonstone is a type of feldspar with a Mohs hardness of 6-6.5 (Diamonds being the hardest at Mohs level 1), it is a fairly soft stone to work with, fragile on the fault lines and almost brittle if pushed beyond its limit. I was guided through this process by a wonderful instructor, an old man who has made gemology, lapidary and metalsmithing his life. He was equally intrigued by what was within the craggly old rock as I was, guiding me through the steps regardless of what the outcome was. I learned fairly quickly that these stones have a voice that you have to listen to, when to stop sanding and just let the stone be done.
Through the vibration of the sanding wheels, to the cold water that keeps the wheel, the stone and your hands cool- to the physical form that your body must take on to transfer the vibrations from the stone against metal- to your hands and transfer that energy to the ground below through your feet, concrete and finally, back to mother earth. It was a cosmic transform, highly intuitive and meditative process. Also a bit exhausting on posture and circulation, making stretching out and breathing a must after class.
As soon as I became one with the transfer of energy and the process of creation- I became pregnant. This year truly is a good year.