Full Circle

With the arrival of my first-born,  I have been able to forgive myself for the past choices that have plagued me as a self-realized woman. Being so entrenched in the moment, hindsight 20/20 is in full effect in the sleep deprived reality of a new mom, where the quiet moments of nursing in the dark leave me time to meditate on img_1589what has become..what has been lost to the new life suckling on my existence.

Sterling was born on the birthday of someone who was in my life for many years, someone who I had a hard time letting go of.  Oh the irony, the foresight that the universe gave me many months before when I told my mother he was going to be born on the 18th, 2 weeks before his due date- how apropos! The universe gave me what I have wanted for years, a new beginning…a new version of myself as a primal mother of a man. He has allowed me to forgive myself in the moonlight glow of motherhood.

Welcome to the world my Scorpio king.

The Craft of Ritual

It is in these quiet moments of the early morning, as the days grow shorter until I meet my son, I wonder, will these quiet moments exist after his birth? Will I still have the energy to decompress, conjure up new products, inspiration and creation?

These quiet moments are the moments that balance the commotion. We all have our devices, the ways in which we manage life, stress and human emotion out of our control. It is in these moments that have allowed me to create my own ways to decompress, whether it be writing, dreaming up new products, or simply just being present with myself.

Often, these quiet moments start with lighting a candle to invoke the presence of fire and the holy spirit. Fire brings forth new growth and understanding. These daily burnings of cedar have become ritual, the smoke lifting the energy from the day before and transforming it into clarity for me to compose today. The earthy, evergreen aroma takes me to the woods where I am young and fresh, free from any restrictions, any discrimination that I have learned throughout my life thus far. I am reminded of the bounty of Mother Earth and the ways she teaches us the path without saying a word. My spirit is awakened, cleared and protected.
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The choice of  which plant medicine to smudge with is your personal preference. I always tell clients, there is no right or wrong way to smudge- just be present and think happy thoughts. Be with yourself. Imagine the smoke lifting yesterday’s energy from your aura and your space to make room for today.

I bundle my cedar sticks on the new moon, facing the direction west.  New moons are a symbolic portal for new beginnings, a time to set intentions for things you’d like to create, cultivate, and manifest. The cedar I bundle is from the Pacific northwest, sustainably cultivated and harvested. I include in each bundle a few pieces of white sage, sweetgrass and dried roses. They burn wonderfully, clear and bright. A mantra for the Seven directions-

 I welcome the energy of looking within to find the gifts of healing. Welcome Bear spirit going deep within to seek the gift of renewal. I welcome the energies and spirits of the West. HO!

To purchase a cedar bundle and more about my ritual products: Click here.

 

He.

When I was freshly pregnant, before the body aches and sleepless nights, I would wake in the morning and forget that I was growing a human inside of me. As I slowly rose out of bed, felt the weight in my womb, I would remember and be filled with a sense of relief.

He is still here with me… I did not lose him in my dreams..

The relief was followed with doubt and fear, will I lose him today? Tomorrow? I would voice these concerns to my husband, almost frantic in tears and he would assure me, he is not going anywhere. He is here to stay.

I am a firm believer in the power of intention and had to shift this negative vibration of doubt into something positive, something more pure. I made this human with my love for good, not to lose. Mind over matter, I knew as long as I remained true to positivity, my baby would thrive.

I distinctly remember the first dream where I saw him. I was maybe 8 weeks pregnant, too soon to tell anyone, but soon enough to feel his presence. I was holding him in my arms, walking down the street. The dream was very amber, saturated in gold and deep emerald tones of evergreens. I saw his face, but at that point, did not know if he was a he or a she.

I recounted the dream to my husband, “Honey,  I saw our baby in my dream last night! I was holding him, gazing at his sweet face while walking down the street.” I was dismayed that I could not tell the sex of the baby in my dream, that my intuition had not turned me onto what I was carrying.  The fact that I had finally seen our baby was enough to encourage me to continue to believe that he is here to stay. I carry with me daily the sense of contentment that I had in that dream. Through each obstacle, each shift that is confusing and uncomfortable, it is a part of the plan and should not be doubted.

We learned that we were carrying a boy at about 14 weeks though some early genetic testing due to my ripe age of 35.( It feels incredibly weird to be considered “high-risk” so young..) I should have known that I was carrying a boy, since I sailed through the first trimester without any morning sickness, headaches or anything out of the norm. His testosterone in my bloodstream was actually evening out my Gemini nature.  I felt blessed to be saved from that experience of pregnancy, but the lack of sickness and feeling any different made me think that something was wrong. Why was I not miserable?

IMG_0699In contrast, I felt like the most empowered, beautiful, fertile goddess that ever walked the land! My skin was glowing with baby vibes. My hair, lush and rich with waves.  I was expanding in more ways that just in my womb. My whole universe was shifting, adjusting future plans to encompass our son. Envisioning our life together as a family, seeing him as a delicate blend of me and his father…We are going to raise a beautiful man.

The universe knew that I wanted a child, and is giving me the experience that fits into my life. Nothing has changed, yet everything has changed.

Now 26 weeks, I dream about him often.  He is even kicking me as I write these words to you.

When in doubt, just relax. The universe will take care of you when you are ready.

 

13 Moons

Since earliest times, Moonstone has been a tangible connection to the magic of the moon. Women are strongly influenced by the moon cycle, as it waxes and wanes in perfect cycle with women’s menstruation cycle. The moon creates the tides and rhythms of our Mother Earth, and in return, influences our behaviors, emotions, spiritual growth and shedding of our own moon each month. Women have been tracking their ovulation and menstruation cycle with the moon for centuries, before any of us was anything more than a mere twinkle in the dark sky. It is one of the oldest, truest forms of natural birth control.

With Moonstone’s deep connection to the moon, it would only make since that it is one of the most powerful stones for fertility and conception.The moon has often been idealized as the divine feminine, with its self-regulating power to control the tides, the rhythms of the earth and women’s reproductive system. Utilizing Moonstone as an amulet for fertility, it amplifies feminine power, abilities of clairvoyance, and gives rise to the kundalini energy deep within.  Moonstone also assists men into becoming more in-tune with the feminine aspects of their nature, and stimulates the right side of the brain, encouraging nonlinear thinking and emotional balance.

Charging your moonstone amulet under a full moon could significantly help with fertility and regulating your cycle to the divine feminine. It is also helpful to make a grid of thirteen Moonstone crystals with a circle of the twelve months around a bedroom, with one centered under the bed for ultimate fertility empowerment.  Click here for my 13 moonstone grid kit. 13moons1

Moonstone, like other minerals and specimens from Mother Earth, carry an energy within them similar to how we carry a spirit within us. Each stone is unique in its healing properties. Some people never leave the house without a crystal around their neck or a pocket full of gemstones, picked from their altar as a means to bring something into their psyche that they want to project, protect or amplify.  It is believed that the stone you are drawn to is the stone you need. Remember that stone you have been carrying around with you for years? There is a reason bigger than you and me as to why you are still holding onto it.

I encourage you to seek the medicine of moonstone if you are looking to expand into motherhood. Its gentle vibration will hold you in her tide and open your heart to the next adventure.

 

 

Manifestation

As a maker, the creative force has always been abundant and thriving at my fingertips. Visions become reality. Dreams are more of a pathway to walk down than something unattainable, something to reach for within the next life. Instead, I reached for the next project, the next idea to sink my heart and soul into and create into existence. I continually expanded my craft with new skills, new techniques to set my work to the next level. Expansion is something that is more of a mindset than adjective in the life of an intuitive creator, making myself a better artist, a better human through each project.

Yet, each year that passed that I did not conceive my ultimate project,the human union between two, pushed me to reach higher goals, to work harder- to consume my life with everything else that I have ever wanted besides motherhood.  ( I guess I should mention that my husband and I were not actively trying to conceive at this point- it was more of something that we just wanted to happen by fate.) 

I knew this year was going to be a good year. I turned 35, reached a place in my relationship with my partner that was solid, infallible with all the ups and downs of any healthy partnership between two independent, headstrong individuals. Money was flowing, we were expanding and growing together- creating our own family without our small unit. We knew we would marry when we were ready, as that is not a high priority on our wish list, as the unity and commitment is present regardless of ring or ceremony. Being of spiritual mindset- we did not need to be united by god to feel at peace with our partnership or need any approval from anyone but ourselves to continue to love and simply just be.

We talked about being parents and what that meant from very early on in our relationship. He was looking forward to being a father, taking his son or daughter to the park, to street festivals and sharing the experience of life with fresh eyes, with no inhibitions or discrimination. A child is a fresh start to life. A new beginning. He could put the past behind him and evolve into himself as a father-strong, loving, and solid foundation for this tiny human to lean on, hold hands with and learn from. Both him and I wanted that union of our souls into one, the trials and errors of being a mother and father- husband and wife. We wanted the “ultimate project”.

So then we started to try with the freedom to fail and the ability to try again. I started to envision myself as a working mother, talking about my life as a mother with my parents- literally proclaiming to the universe- I will become a mother this year. I consciously postponed applying to future shows knowing that I might be pregnant by then and instead, became very present and intentful with the projects I was working on. My wholesale accounts became more abundant- I was able to transfer from one of a kind jewelry production, to small batch, to the ritual products that are in never-ending supply as long as I can assemble and keep up with the demand.

I filled my life and my creative work with things that I loved. I went back to school to learn lapidary work- cutting stones- taking a raw, imperfect specimen from the earth and making it into something beautiful. I purposely started to work with Moonstone- the ultimate fertility stone. The specimens were nothing fancy, raw peachy white rocks that literally looked like they fell off the mountainside, yet once the rock was sliced open, a whole new world of inclusions, variation of color and tone was hidden inside.

The process of lapidary work consists of a lot of sanding and polishing. Being that Moonstone is a type of feldspar with a Mohs hardness of 6-6.5 (Diamonds being the hardest at Mohs level 1), it is a fairly soft stone to work with, fragile on the fault lines and almost brittle if pushed beyond its limit. I was guided through this process by a wonderful instructor, an old man who has made gemology, lapidary and metalsmithing his life. He was equally intrigued by what was within the craggly old rock as I was, guiding me through the steps regardless of what the outcome was. I learned fairly quickly that these stones have a voice that you have to listen to, when to stop sanding and just let the stone be done.
IMG_8947Through the vibration of the sanding wheels, to the cold water that keeps the wheel, the stone and your hands cool- to the physical form that your body must take on to transfer the vibrations from the stone against metal- to your hands and transfer that energy to the ground below through your feet, concrete and finally, back to mother earth. It was a cosmic transform, highly intuitive and meditative process. Also a bit exhausting on posture and circulation, making stretching out and breathing a must after class.

As soon as I became one with the transfer of energy and the process of creation- I became pregnant. This year truly is a good year.